I Think I Get You Now, Hank

I just had this strange experience last Sunday and Monday. I accidentally discovered Google Search AI’s capacity to write fanfic. It started with a question and link verification, when suddenly Google Search asked if I wanted to write a fanfic about it (it was probably prompted by how I formulated my question). I replied with something like ‘sure’ out of sarcasm, with a dash of curiosity. And then it did.

Initially when I was testing the limits of ChatGPT I wasn’t really impressed (it was a way for me to spot AI-influence in my students’ creative works), from AI-generated prose and poetry, they all sounded a wee bit generic, but for Google I did a double take — it was strangly distinct. It sounded so — fanfiction-ish (if you read hundreds of stuff over at AO3 you’ll get the language). The dialogue was better than ChatGPT’s outputs too. Perhaps it had better coding, and so I played with it, pushed it, and pushed some more.

Soon I was testing limits and its knowledge on various fandoms. A little bit more and I found myself inputting plot points, with AI churning out blocks upon blocks of stories. With its access to several sites it fucking knew how to approach character, and it knew how this or that character would sound like.

It felt surreal, like reading / participating in a choose-your-own-adventure book, or playing a fancy-ass text game. For every block of text the AI would present three possibilities for me to choose, with the additional option for me to input my own direction (or tweak one of the options). All-in-all I was able to explore around five stories after messing around for two days. (Don’t worry I didn’t save them)

But in the end I felt so drained and hollow (literally I feel dizzy right now coz I’ve been losing good sleep for two nights). Yes I was able to explore and create, but I also felt that I wasn’t really creating anything at the same time. I felt like an editor directing ten nameless interns to draft paragraphs. It was fun at first, addictive even, but right now I feel like I’ve spent some energy over nothing. All the hard work simply for nothing.

For once I got scared by the ghost in the machine.

I had to pull the plug.

I’ve Yet to Unpack These Things

New Chapter

After seventeen years of working at the President’s Office, I finally moved to a new one (I’m still in the same university, but in a different unit, within the same umbrella!).

This particular, physical uprooting was almost sudden. I thought I still had time for formalities, but alas — the world keeps running and there’s the need to catch up.

Initially I was thinking of boxing my stuff over the weekend, Sunday in particular, but even my body wasn’t aligned with my plans. I really wanted to do it but I suffered a light fever and stomach issues. So everything was rushed last Monday. There was no moment to properly segregate things, I just had to put them all in several small boxes (and one biggie).

*kudos to my colleagues at the President’s Office for organizing a quick send-off party!

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It’s Wednesday now. The only things unpacked are my pen / pencil set and my office PC. I also brought with me my mug gifted by a former student ages ago. Even my mug is now faded.

Everything sentimental remains in the box, but given that my space of operations is smaller, I have to throw away some of them already. There’s the need to update myself, probably deleting material anchors from specific timelines in my life is the way to do it.

I need to work immediately after this. There’s no time to for grief yet.

Restarting the Cycle

Hello there. I just got back from a creative convention in Manila and right now I’m still experiencing that particular “high” you get when you’re surrounded by fellow creatives.

So it was my first time to attend Graphika Manila (celebrating its twentieth anniversary too) and for two days I was able to upgrade my head with updates coming from familiar and new talents. Has it been that long since my last dive into something like this?

The field has become totally new, and there are things that I believe should be let go of (not necessarily to be forgotten, in fact they’re to be acknowledged that such things had existed — once, for a fraction of my life).

At this point I think it’s just clear — I’m starting all over again.

Baguio

Ahj and I went to Baguio last week for our much delayed wedding anniversary trip. We usually travel during December but given the expected rush and flow of tourists at that time (plus to avoid the surge of crowds), we opted to take the first week of February. Yes, it’s Panagbenga season, but we were able to visit Baguio during the pre-festival week so it was all good.

This was actually my third time touring the city. The first one was when I was in grade school, the next one was a company sponsored retreat (I didn’t go beyond Mirador much that time, save for the market visit for the usual pasalubong run). So this third trip was immensely personal since I was able to travel with my wife (who enjoyed Baguio for the first time by the way).

I wasn’t really that surprised anymore by the changes (my last visit was in 2019), and I got to once again enjoy the food (I had some restaurants listed, only one of which we failed to visit). Of course we went to the recommended art spaces like Mt. Cloud Bookshop, Ili Likha and BenCab Museum. I was also able to show Ahj the Jesuits’ retreat house in Mirador (the place has been recently renovated, with a good slice of non-retreat spaces allocated for tourists). As an added bonus, we found a hobby shop — Honor’s Ground, where I purchased a key piece for my latest Commander deck project. Yey!

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What I love about Baguio is that its art sensibilities are deeply rooted in the region’s identity. As someone who’s looking in from the outside, I’m deeply impressed by how much their artists are in touch with culture, and how much they integrate it in their materials and outputs — from published books to music to artworks. There is much to learn from the place, and I just wish that we had stayed longer to speak with some of the local writers/artists, to find some ideas on expanding and revisiting aspects of creativity.

I was deeply astounded when we first visited the art hub / space, Ili Likha. While we were sipping our coffee, Ahj and I excitedly discussed and compared the local aesthetics, while mulling over several possibilities which we could apply when we return home.

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Anyhoo — as a closing note — I got myself some ‘art recharge’ plus a new goal in life: to get a free cup of coffee at Mt. Cloud Bookshop.

Healing

It’s been two weeks since my injury happened and so far, despite my toe feeling a little better, I still can’t wear shoes. I mean, I tried this morning — feeling a little confident — but as soon as I wore my socks a simple pang gave out an early warning. I tried to ignore it at first, and when I slid my foot into my shoe, there was this immense, kinda surprising discomfort which reminded me of the pain I felt during day one. So I gave up and wore sandals to work, again (now on my third week). I took some prescribed painkiller as precaution, and now I’m feeling a wee bit high.

Anyhoo, one thing leads to another: as what I’ve mentioned in my previous post, there was something quite alarming with my blood pressure, so I had it checked with our university doctor last week, and I took a blood chem test and ECG. Thankfully the results were negative, and my BP went down after a week, but I’m still being monitored given our lineage of family members having hypertension and diabetes. For now I’m taking some maintenance meds, leading me to move forward some serious considerations on my food intake.

The next few weeks will be quite difficult, as my wife and I are slowly transitioning towards a healthier lifestyle, and that means more greens (less meat; less alcohol). Of course we have to careful not to crash, so we’re taking some tips from friends and I’m trying out some recipes which might help. We have our “dietary cheat weekends” but I doubt that we’ll get to do it very often, given the health scare.

Somehow the injury gave me this wake up call, to be a little better when it comes to self-care.

Ouch

By the middle of the month I was met by an annoying injury.

Yesterday I hit my toe as I climbed the tricycle (my wife and I were going to reserve some rooms via a local payment center for our much anticipated Baguio trip in February). At first I thought that it was the usual pinky toe “pang” (the one you feel when you accidentally hit your toe against a wooden leg of a table or chair), but when I tried to curl it I felt this immense searing pain. I thought it was temporary, hoping that it would soon go away, but it kept lingering to the point that I couldn’t walk properly anymore. After our late lunch, when I looked down, I noticed that my left pinky toe was slightly swelling and a bit reddish compared to my other toe.

“Yeah, I need to go to the hospital,” I told my wife.

So off to the hospital where we waited and got processed. Twice I got my BP checked and twice it showed 160/90 — which was way up (I could attribute it to the pain or the stress and we were all sure as hell that it wasn’t normal anymore). The doc mandated to get some x-ray of my foot and so I was wheelchaired to the imaging center. To suppress further anxiety as I imagined possible worst case scenarios (coz I heavily assumed that I had a fracture) I kidded around with the staff. When the results came in I felt a wee bit relieved that my left toe bone was still there: intact and perfectly normal. The doctor concluded that I had a ripped soft tissue, and it will hurt like a bitch starting on the fourth or fifth day.

So I got some pain meds to take for around a week, and I’ll be doing some “hurt management” — just simple ones which require some particular resting stances to get the blood flow properly going. At least I’m happy that I got it checked, deflecting any further assumptions of the worst kind.

The high BP though, I need to get it checked soon ‘coz we all felt that it was freaky. After clearing this out (when my pinky toe is fully healed) I’ll go check with our university doctor for possible recommendations. For now, I gotta manage my diet and stress carefully.

NagaZine 2023

NagaZine, a local zine and art expo, started some time in 2019. It has its foundations in BLTX (with most of the organizers having been a part of BLTX Naga), and the movement has just naturally progressed towards focusing on a more local vibe, marked by the changing of name and the setting of new practices: as much as possible, leadership and planning should be passed to the next batch of young creators. This is to maintain sustainability as well as empowerment, especially for the new generation.

We were supposed to have NagaZine in early 2020 but the pandemic happened, and so the next one was held in December 2021, revived by a partnership of two parties (at this time I was on hiatus, so I didn’t get to participate [I went there as a casual audience]). A follow-up was expected in 2022 but there were some critical factors (weather, critical local event) which resulted to its postponement — it was moved to January 2023:

Last Saturday was a lotta fun. I was able to participate again via the revived student organization I am currently moderating (I’ll fill you in about this someday). Sadly I didn’t sell anything coz I couldn’t finish my new material during the break. Most of the planning and actions were carried out by the kids in the organization, and my participation was more on support and set-up. Our team was given the registration role but I also helped another team in the physical reconfiguration of the venue (coz currently I find happiness in literally carrying heavy stuff). So I got to haul tables and chairs to prep for the main event.

It was great to see familiar and new faces in venue. It was even satisfying to see more kids getting curious about art and literary matters. The host area we had chosen — Kape-Kapehan — is a hang out place of students from various schools, so the foot traffic was good, and we were able to open the scene further to a wider audience. Hopefully the event will inspire some of them to start their own group and, someday, join the event (or organize their own).

All-in-all NagaZine 2023 was a success. The flow of people peaked some time around 4PM to 6PM, and a lotta stuff were sold (on our end: our zines from ALA were sold out). But what’s more critical about this is that event has, in a way, piqued some interest among the youth. I would go around the tables to check the flow and traffic, and sometimes ask the sellers if they needed anything. While I was on duty I saw people from the tables conversing with the audience, talking about the trinkets and zines on sale, sharing concepts, passing business cards along the way. It was amazing to witness artists getting positively giddy over their first sale, and getting some contagious encouragement from their friends who went there to support the participants. Thank god there were no weather disasters this time (most of the previous events were plagued by heavy rains). We finally wrapped up at around 9PM, with the participating organizations all happy and satisfied.

Discard

Here’s the thing: I was supposed to make some new materials for this January’s NagaZine during the break but I got caught up with a lot of shenanigans that I neglected my goal.

It sucks, I know, but I can’t just release my stuff out there half-assed and drafty, so I thought about Plan B: just republish some old works. At first it felt easy, a little too convenient in fact, but as soon as I had printed the master hardcopy for reproduction something stopped me from proceeding further.

I reviewed the content. I’m still proud of them actually, given that I had also worked hard to complete the project. However, the zine itself was around 7 years old already, written by a very different me. It felt unfair, not just for the participants who are currently doing their best to produce new works, but also for me — I had to let go.

So I decided to just stop the production. If I’m going to participate I have to do it right. As a personal promise I will churn out new work on the next event, but I have to start producing as soon as now. I already have a couple of drafts on my desk, but they need some fine tuning (and more insight). I may not finish the project this time, but I’ll make sure to finalize the matter by the next expo (probably in June).

Here’s to letting go.

2023 is the Year of Unlearning

My wife suggested an alternative to setting goals for 2023. I can’t recall her source but it was something like choosing a theme for this year. There were some options on the list provided — and I thought there was one which somehow resonated with my target. Initially it was supposed to be “Learning” but knowing me I upped the ante by reconfiguring it into “Unlearning” which, in the process, opens the way to new learnings. It may be confusing but it’s just all about this: I wish to recognize the learnings which had once shaped my perspectives, but given the new climate and culture, I also need to update myself.

So I have to let go and revisit (and challenge) my previous views and prejudices, perhaps re-align them, or throw them away for good. Besides, the movement has already been sparked late last year when I took some classes for SEO + UI/UX, both of which are totally off my comfort zone. Earlier this January I enrolled in one class provided by Domestika on basic anatomy drawing (and yes, I’ve been illustrating since I was a kid but I wish to re-formalize this by finishing the course). I took advantage of the site’s awesome year-starter sale.

Here’s to Unlearning and [Re]Learning. Cheers.

So Far

So I’ve been keeping myself busy these days, though with a bit of struggle especially when my attention span is involved. Given that our country is slowly recovering from the massive effects of the early seasons of the Covid19 Pandemic (which is still ongoing by the way — so continue to be vigilant, stay safe always), and still being in shock (or in mourning) over the results of the 2022 national elections, our journey for a better life has become steeper. Right now we’re really, really, really feeling the results: from the massive practices of crony capitalism, to the ongoing fall of the Philippine Peso.

And we are surviving, and we continue to hold on to hope no matter what — and we do this with patient progression, little contributions which we believe could snowball into something big. For now, learning to develop immediate support groups has become top priority. We find our fellows amidst nuances in belief and practice and hold on to each other.