Recovering Movement, 23 January 2014

01222014{On the Way; On Delay}

Well, shit. It’s been a while I guess. I’ve lingered in torpor much and I’m very embarrassed by my lack of commitment to upload new posts. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’ve been through a lot of hell lately and so far I’m still recovering. My sanity almost didn’t make it.

{The Future is Now, Nigh}

I also guess that it’s too late to post my new year’s resolutions. In fact, do I really need to?  I think I’m rather adept at smashing my own resolutions. Honestly, my willpower has gone weak. Just this December I was supposed to catch up with all my readings, perhaps write a story or two — but fuck no, I played M:tG and V:tES online instead, every single day, every single night. It took me a while to realize how I’ve become so dependent to these games and soon I said to myself, “Well, shit, this feels like me getting hooked on drugs. This shit has to stop.” 

Upon hitting myself and realizing how deep I was in the tar pit I guess everything was already way too late. I had to squeeze my way out — inch by inch; breath by breath — and the only thing that I could do was to delete the program, to cut myself off completely. Since this Monday I’ve been trying so hard, so damn hard not to look at any forums about M:tG. So hard. So hard.

{Writing, Recovering}

I started freewriting again two nights ago. I pounded the keyboards so strong that I felt a semblance of pain hitting my thumbs. It was as if my limbs, once cold and lifeless, were starting to move again. I closed my eyes while typing (though occasionally looking at the monitor), not really minding what was I writing, only knowing that I was writing something. I felt like I was chipping away small amounts cement from this thick dam, hoping to create this big fucking hole which could release every fucking idea which I’ve held back since 2011.

I would also like to thank my partner in crime, Ahjiwaji, who’s always there to remind me that despite life being so unbelievably frakked, there’s always a form of order somewhere in the chaos. She is, in fact, that order.

Lately she has somehow put me back to that writing chair, that writing table. And so, well, yeah, I’m back.

Thanks, Ahj. I love you.

{Cramming}

And so I find myself cramming my ass off to to finish a number of  poems and prose (short stories and essays). I’m also speeding up my reading tempo again by avoiding a shitload of distractions.

Oh wait, academic requirements! Lesson plans! Syllabi! Office work! Gah!

So here we go, 2014. Here we fucking go.

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